certified person, woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, dumbass

Thursday, September 08, 2016

things I've stopped caring about at my old age

What I can or cannot afford.
I will use that Zara handbag over a Mulberry whatever (there is no point of knowing about things I can’t afford) bag and if I don’t fall into some kind of criteria of people worth knowing a damn about, then you can literally kiss my H&M flats (I wouldn’t, they’re manky, and I should buy new ones). And my secondhand HTC is gonna get used until it’s broke and no I won’t be replacing that with an iPhone anytime in my near future.

New music.
Ariana Grande can go kiss my ass and all you hat-worn-indoors-dressed-like-a-farm-boy folks too.

Taylor Swift.
Unless it involves her downfall, in which case, I’ll be all over it like a cheeseburger at the end of a wellness retreat.

Reality shows.
Including: anything Kardashian related, anything housewives’ related, anything E! related. Not including: competition reality shows (predominantly Masterchef and Project Runway) that doesn’t involve a Bachelor or Bachelorette type figure. I’ve learned the hard way that reality show stars do not make for compelling drama, rather compelling dumb-asses.

Finding myself.
Core-values, leadership talks, whatever it is that gets you to connect to yourself at a two-thousand dollar entrance fee (not including accommodation and flight tickets) – look, it’s a vicious cycle. If you couldn’t ‘find yourself’ without the help of some overpaid guru in the first place, chances are you never will. Self-revelation shouldn’t cost you jack sh*t.

Being the coolest person in the room.
The minute I dropped my beautiful bass guitar to give birth to my beautiful baby boy was pretty much the day I should have said good-bye to being cool. Oh don’t worry, by extension of not giving a crap about being the coolest person in the room gives me some kind of cool cred, but then again being in my late 30’s probably takes away that cool cred too. Should I stress about youthful days gone by? Way too old to give a sh*t, my friend.

Being the smartest person in the room.
Once upon a time people thought me smart. This was incorrect in so many ways, but I kept up the persona because I'm a dumb-ass and only a dumb-ass would do that. Well here's the truth: I’m no idiot, but I ain’t no intellect either. Guys, I don’t even have a college degree, everything in my head comes from the University of Reading Articles on the Web. Start arguing about politics and feminism people, I’m going to nip outside for a smoke while you go at it. (Disclaimer: I consider myself a feminist, and I WILL judge you for your non-feminist ways).

Caring about things I used to give a crap about.
The World Cup? If I fall asleep watching it, I’m done with it. Learning how to ride a bicycle? I’m a backward adult, I’ve accepted it. Blockbusters? If I don’t have time or energy to catch it on cinema, I’m going to wait until I can download it, and I’m not going to give two craps about it either. Oscar-bait movies? I have a folder full of need-to-watch-before-the-Oscars that I end up watching on HBO a year later, maybe, because Bring It On is on and can I just watch that instead? Anything that has become a chore to maintain, I’m going to write off as Meh

Following trends.
Trends are good. It’s great that new things pop up and everyone latches onto them like zealots because: progress, and also because: we’re living in a world where people are striving to one up on the other which can only make the world a better place, right? (Answer: not really) That said, my birthday will not have a unique Star Wars themed birthday that I paid a few hundred bucks for a table decorator to arrange; I’m not going to join a marathon just because everyone else is doing it; I’m not going Pokemon hunting; I don’t own a Fitbit; and quinoa can go kiss my ass.

People liking me.
Not that I want people to hate me either. But I’m done striving for people’s acceptance. At the risk of sounding like an empowered female on a Lifetime drama: only one person needs to accept me, and that’s me b*tches. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

I can barely meet deadlines but here I am blogging

Because why the hell not. I make a living off of writing. Writing shit I don't want to write about. And if it's something I want to write about it's usually a dumbed down version of what I write about. But those are few and far in between because I want to write about stupid ass things and what I write for does not include stupid ass things, understandably. 

So I'll write about what the stupid ass things that I want because I like it that way and there may be someone (huge emphasis on the "may be") who stumbles upon my blog and reads it and disagrees with it or agrees with it or ignores it (can't blame you too much) and that's fine. It's all good. It's a blog after all. From an insignificant person (in your world, not mine). Who might say things that don't matter shit.

So here we go, here we go. Let the blog times roll.